Are they giving you a hard time?

I had a client this week who was telling me about a conversation she’d had with her mom. Apparently, the conversation hadn’t gone so well, and my client said, “My mom is giving me such a hard time about not being married. I’ve been with my partner for seven years, we’re happy, we’re committed, and she just won’t let it go. She always finds a way to ask when we’re finally going to make it legal, and it drives me crazy.”
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And at first glance, sure. That tracks. It feels like pressure. It feels like judgment. It feels like being picked at for a life choice you’ve consciously made.
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But when we slowed it down, something else came into focus.
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I said to her, “Instead of thinking about how your mom is giving you a hard time about not being married, what if you reframed it to, my mom is having a hard time with me not being married?”
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I asked her to think about it from her 70-year-old mom’s point of view. In her mom’s world, marriage is the finish line. It means safety and stability. It’s the box you check so you can finally exhale as a parent. It means your daughter is settled. I said, “To her, you getting married means someone else is officially in charge of worrying about you.”
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What looks like nagging is really her anxiety. What looks like control is really her fear. And that’s a very different story.
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So, I said to my client, “What if you got curious instead of angry or resentful? Instead of defending, what if you asked your mom…”

• “What are you most worried about if I never get married?”

• “What does marriage mean to you?”

• “What do you think it would say about my life if I stayed partnered but never did the whole wedding thing?”

• “Do you worry I’ll be alone?”

• “Do you worry I won’t be taken care of?”

Instead of sparring, you’re looking to understand. You’re no longer pushing back, you’re pulling forward. And this applies everywhere.
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When you think your kid is giving you a hard time, pause and rethink. No, my kid is having a hard time. With that shift, your compassion changes. Your tone changes. Your questions change.

• Instead of “Why are you acting like this?” you might ask, “What have you been thinking about the most lately?”

• Instead of “You’re making this so hard,” you get to say, “You seem like you’re carrying something heavy.”

• Instead of “Here we go again,” you might ask, “Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”

This does not mean you tolerate unhealthy behavior. It doesn’t mean you abandon boundaries. It means you lead with clarity and compassion instead of reactivity.
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When you stop personalizing everything, you stop assuming intent and stop making everything a referendum on your worth. You start seeing people as humans with their own interpretations, history, fear, and imperfect coping skills.
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They’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.
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And when you remember that, you get softer without getting smaller. Stronger without getting sharper. Clear without getting cold. And that’s the sweet spot.
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Here’s to a week of more curiosity when things seem hard,

PS: Looking for more ease and joy in your life? Start with boundaries. You can learn how in my book​ ​Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy,​​​ along with ​The Workbook: Boundaries Made Easier​.