It’s not self-care if it stresses you out
It’s your nervous system begging you to slow the hell down.
I end up talking about self-care quite a bit with my clients (and my friends). The biggest problem is that when you hear “self-care,” you think it means you have to add something to your already-overflowing to-do list (which is one of the reasons you want more self-care in the first place)! You hear that you’re supposed to meditate for 20 minutes, drink more water, journal before bed, or schedule regular massages. And while those things can be great, you don’t need more assignments; you’re looking for more room to breathe.
Here’s what I’ve come to know (OK, know is a strong word – not sure I really know anything, but it’s something I believe): when you need self-care, it’s not a signal to start another habit. Instead, it’s your nervous system begging you to slow the hell down.
What you don’t realize is how often you’re in a low-grade state of fight-or-flight all day long. Starting your day hitting the snooze button five times and then racing out of bed, rushing from one thing to the next, checking your phone every spare second, getting cut off in traffic, and then replaying the moment for the next three hours. This all results in your amygdala (the fear center of your brain) running the show way more than you think.
But here’s the problem: when you do slow down, it doesn’t always feel good at first! It feels…boring. Empty. Like something must be wrong. That’s because your brain’s gotten used to the buzz of stress hormones. Yes, you’ve trained yourself to live in a version of chaos. You’ve trained your brain to want/need constant stimulation.
So the real self-care? It’s not sexy and it’s not Instagram-worthy. But it helps retrain your brain and regulate your nervous system.
Here are a few of my favorite under-the-radar self-care tips that will actually make you feel better:
1. Give yourself extra time to get places. That five or ten minutes? It’s not just about being punctual. It’s about getting your body out of that frantic, tight-chested state before you even show up. Time is emotional currency. Make it a goal to get everywhere five to ten minutes early for the next week, and I promise your life will change and you will feel so much better.
2. Wait before you respond. When your phone lights up, pause. Don’t answer on autopilot. Check in with yourself: Am I in a good headspace for this? You’re not a first responder. You’re allowed to respond when you’re regulated, not reactive.
3. Choose the longer checkout line… and put your phone away. No, really. Stand there. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice who’s around you. You’re not wasting time, you’re creating space. (But if you’re just scrolling your email while you wait, you’re still flooding your brain with stimulation. That’s not a break; that’s a digital pacifier.)
4. Make eye contact with your surroundings. As often as possible, do things like look at the tree outside your window. Stare at the pattern in the carpet. Watch how the light changes in your kitchen around 4 pm. Your brain craves moments like this. They bring you back to yourself.
5. Practice quiet exits. Leave the party early. Don’t explain. Cancel the plan without a five-paragraph apology. The more you let yourself opt out, the less resentful you become when you opt in.
6. Adjust your environment before you get overwhelmed. Turn down the lights. Put on socks. Shut the door. You don’t have to wait until you’re overstimulated and cranky to take care of yourself. (Personally, I have a heating blanket in just about every room of my house. The minute I feel chilly, I reach for it and instantly feel soothed.)
7. Sit in your car for a few minutes before driving. Not to scroll. Not to check messages. Just to pause. Let your body and brain sync up before the next thing. Stop and set intention for how you’d like to be as you switch to this next task.
Look, I’m not saying bubble baths are bad. I’m just saying real self-care starts way before you light a candle. It starts in the moment you stop rushing, stop fixing, stop managing everyone else, and start treating yourself like someone who matters.
Here’s to a week of small pauses, long checkout lines, and enough time to actually feel your own life,
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