My name is Abby and I’m a control enthusiast
If I had died in my 30s, my gravestone would have read: “Why won’t they listen to me?!”
My name is Abby and I’m a control freak enthusiast. Yes, some might have argued that my doctorate was in “how to keep it together by controlling everyone else” because I spent a good chunk of my earlier life chasing control:
Hello drug addiction.
Hello trying to control the people around me.
Hello refusing to acknowledge or feel my real emotions.
If I had died in my 30s, my gravestone would have read: “Why won’t they listen to me?!”
And honestly? I still struggle with my “control tendencies.” There’s a not-so-small part of me that thinks heaven might just be a place where everyone finally does exactly what I say, no questions asked. (Is that really too much to ask?)
But here’s the thing. You don’t have to be a full-blown control enthusiast like me to know the subtle ways we all try to control life to feel safer:
Micromanaging your calendar so there’s no room for uncertainty.
Overexplaining yourself so people don’t get upset.
Replaying conversations in your head, editing what you "should" have said.
Holding back your real feelings to avoid conflict.
Needing everyone around you to be happy so you can finally relax.
(Yes, I see you and no, I don’t have hidden cameras in your home).
Here’s the deal: There’s a difference between being “in control” and being “controlling.” When we don’t feel in control of our internal world (our emotions, thoughts, and reactions), we start trying to control everything outside of us.
Controlling how our partner speaks to us.
Controlling our kids’ choices.
Controlling our bodies, our jobs, our friendships.
Controlling the conversation so it doesn’t get too messy or real.
Controlling everyone else driving on the road (or is that just me?).
But the irony is brutal: The more you try to control, the less peace you actually feel. And the less peace you feel, the more you try to control. It’s a loop. A hamster wheel of stress and resentment.
Real peace doesn’t come from everything outside you being tied up in a neat bow. Real peace comes from feeling safe inside yourself, even when things on the outside are messy.
It’s about getting better at feeling disappointment, embarrassment, fear, or uncertainty without immediately springing into fixing, numbing, or bossing everyone around. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort instead of controlling it away.
Because when you trust yourself to handle whatever you’re feeling, when you trust yourself to hold your boundaries, you stop needing everyone else to behave a certain way for you to be OK. You stop managing the world and start living in it. (And bonus: the people around you breathe a huge sigh of relief too).
This week, when you’re feeling that itch to step in, fix it, steer it, or just "take care of it yourself," ask yourself these questions before you act:
What feeling am I trying to avoid right now? (Disappointment? Rejection? Powerlessness?)
What’s actually in my control right now? (Hint: your words, your breath, your response. Not them. Not their face. Not the outcome.)
What would it look like to stay in my lane and still feel grounded? (Can you let go, just a little? Can you trust yourself to handle what comes?)
These three questions won’t magically make your control impulses vanish, but they will slow you down just enough to choose peace over panic.
I’m inviting you to notice where you might be trying to control something or someone to avoid feeling uncomfortable. What would happen if you focused on managing your inner world instead?
When control shows up, it’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re scared. But fear doesn’t get to run the show anymore, not when peace is on the table.
And the answer to peace is already inside you. It always has been.
Here’s to a week of letting go of control and finding something even better.