Stop chasing the bee
I want you to picture something...
I want you to picture something: You’re sitting outside at a café living your life. Maybe scrolling dog videos. Maybe arguing with yourself about whether a second iced coffee is excessive or simply correct. And then bam. You get stung by a bee.
It hurts. It’s shocking. It feels personal.
And instead of tending to the sting, you drop everything and chase the bee.
You need answers.
You want to know why it stung you.
You want it to understand that you didn’t deserve this pain.
Ideally, you want the bee to turn around and say, “You’re right. I’m so sorry. That was on me.”
Emotionally, this is what so many of us do when someone hurts us. Instead of addressing the pain, we chase the source. The ex. The friend who ghosted. The parent who still won’t apologize. We want explanations. We want accountability. We want the ever-elusive closure.
Why do you do it? Why do you need so badly for someone to take accountability and apologize, even though you often know they never will? It’s not because you’re weak or dramatic. It’s because your brain thinks something dangerous just happened.
When you experience emotional pain like rejection, abandonment, or betrayal, the same part of your brain that processes physical pain lights up! To your nervous system, a broken heart and a broken bone aren’t that different. Pain is pain.
Then your logical brain jumps in like an overcaffeinated detective.
What did I miss?
Why did this happen?
What did I do wrong?
What if I’d just said X, instead of Y?
It honestly believes that if it can just figure it out, the pain will stop. Your brain hates uncertainty and treats it like a threat, and now you’re stuck ruminating. You replay interactions and rewrite conversations. Basically, you stay emotionally attached to someone who already stung you and flew away.
If you grew up walking on eggshells or learning that love had to be earned, this loop probably feels very familiar. Your nervous system learned early that safety comes from understanding other people instead of trusting yourself.
But here’s the part I need you to hear (I say with love, as always): You don’t need the bee to explain itself in order to heal the sting.
You don’t need the other person to validate your pain before it counts. You don’t need a detailed apology to be allowed to move on. You don’t need closure from someone who’s unavailable for the conversation anyway.
Waiting for that validation keeps you stuck. And more importantly, it pulls you away from yourself. You’re the one who’s hurting. You’re the one who gets to decide what happens next. Healing doesn’t require answers; it requires self-compassion.
So today, stop chasing the bee.
Sit down. Pull out the stinger. Ice the wound. Breathe. Say kind things to yourself instead of interrogating the past. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re also allowed to stop trying to make it make sense.
Not everyone who causes pain is capable of participating in repair. That’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s information about their capacity.
Here’s to a week of tending to what hurts instead of chasing who caused it,
PS: Ready to dive deeper, Tegan Waring? The One Love Collective on Substack is a simple way to stay connected, reflect, and get practical tools along the way. For just $8/month, you’ll get ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&As with me, and community support.