When we collide with the unmovable
According to Merriam-Webster, a "collision" refers to contact between two moving objects.
Last March, a cargo ship struck Baltimore, Maryland’s Francis Scott Key Bridge, tragically claiming the lives of six workers. News outlets reported it as a "collision," but maritime publications used a more specific term I’d never heard before: allision.
According to Merriam-Webster, a "collision" refers to contact between two moving objects. But an "allision" occurs when a moving object strikes something stationary. The bridge didn’t move. The ship moved into it.
This word, allision, started me thinking about how we often do ourselves and our relationships a disservice by steering ourselves into unmovable people. I mean, how often do we, like that ship, steer ourselves toward people who are fundamentally unchangeable? We think if we just push hard enough or maneuver perfectly, we can shift the other person. We continually send our diabetic dad articles about how he needs to exercise and eat differently. We argue with our partner about the right way to do something (which is our way, of course). We feel frustration as we walk away from our best friend who refused to heed our advice about their career change.
When we try, in our usual ways, to change others, we end up exhausted, resentful, hurt, and leaving a fair amount of damage behind because both parties feel misunderstood and unheard.
When we’re in the mindset of wanting someone else to do something differently, we not only hurt ourselves (as we become the bridge with our own “right” way of thinking), but we also deny the other person of our loving acceptance. We don’t allow the relationship to deepen because we’re not being any more open to embracing each other’s differences than they are.
So, what’s the alternative? It’s surprisingly freeing: stop moving toward the unmovable. Chart a new course. Accept the bridge for what it is. Maybe that means altering your path entirely, and that’s OK. Growth happens when we focus on what we can steer: ourselves. Something I say often is, “The one in the most pain needs to change first.” And that, my beautiful friend, is you.
And if you’re hoping for change in a particular relationship, you’ll find it happens faster once you start focusing on yourself and your own happiness anyway. We need to “connect to correct” so as you’re more loving and accepting of someone else, they feel closer to you and become open to change! It seems paradoxical, but it’s the path towards success.
You deserve relationships that allow for growth and collaboration, not allision after allision. And sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to step back, release the need to change someone else, and redirect your energy toward what you can actually move: yourself.
Here’s to a new year of steering wisely and embracing the flow.