Your no needs to start with your yes
Difficulty saying no is something that comes up a lot with my clients. And the question I hear a lot is, “How do I say no without feeling guilty?”
The key to saying no with more ease isn’t a better script. It’s deciding on your yes ahead of time.
If you’ve already decided that this Sunday needs to be a rest-and-recharge day, and then your friend texts asking for a ride to the airport, you can simply say, “I can’t.” That’s it. Full stop.
Not, “I wish I could, but…”
Not, “I have this thing but maybe I can squeeze it in…”
Just: “I can’t.” No explanations or justifications.
Because we both know that if you were to say more, “I can’t on Sunday because I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, and I really need a day with no obligations and to just rest,” you’ll likely get pushback:
"Well, can’t you rest on Saturday instead?"
"This won’t take more than an hour; you’ll still have the whole day!"
"I can’t believe how selfish you’ve gotten."
If the person presses and asks, “Why not?” you can simply say, “Like I said, I just can’t.” (Yes, you can really say that).
You don’t need to hand over an emotional résumé. You don’t need to audition for the role of “Good Person Who’s Still Really Nice, I Swear.” You get to protect your yes without explaining it.
But here’s the trick: You have to know what that yes is.
It means checking in with yourself before someone asks. It means already deciding on your personal needs and boundaries.
When you’re clear that you need a night to yourself…
When you know you’re not answering work texts after 6pm…
When you’ve already committed to not overcommitting this month…
Then your no is no longer a conflict; it’s simply a reflection of your priorities.
And your yes isn’t only about your time. It’s about your relationships too. Maybe your yes is only dating people who make you feel safe and seen, not confused, anxious, or waiting around. Maybe your yes is spending time with friends who have your best interests at heart. Maybe your yes is only hanging out with family members who are kind and think the best of you.
When those yeses (is that how you spell that?) are already in place, when you’ve decided that your peace, your rest, your joy, your values matter, then the no doesn’t have to be dramatic. It just becomes the natural response to anything that doesn’t align.
You’re a person too. And your needs count.
My wish for you this week? Be as committed to your yes as you’ve been to explaining your no.
Here’s to a week of saying a big fat yes to yourself,
PS: If you care about healthier, happier relationships (which I know you do!), whether at home or at work, come follow me here.